Sooo …I didn’t get to my Sunday thought yesterday as I am dragging my ass around the place sick. Which doesn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking Sunday thought types of thoughts. Of all these thoughts the one that rattled through my head all day concerns the movie above. Yep, they are making a movie out of the Noah’s Ark story. My first thought was, “oh dear” who is gonna sign their acting career onto the bottom of that sure-to-be-a-hit with the right-wing, fundamentalists and a mock fest for the rest of us” movie? (The answer to that is Russel Crowe and Emma Watson).
The movie isn’t even out, and I am already mocking it. I mean seriously, it’s a bad press story for “God” from where I sit. Noah’s Ark , is in fact, one of my favourite Biblical stories to illustrate that if there is a god he is unquestionably not a loving one, he is a moral monster.
The Noah story is about god getting pissy; really, really pissy. People (the people he allegedly created) weren’t acting the way god thought they ought to be acting (a glitch in the programming) and after not too much thought, decided that genocide was the only way to go. Yep … bad people, maybe not every single one, but enough bad so that they all need to die; babies, children, animals, “I didn’t do nothin’”plant life – the whole shebang… gonna DROWN your asssssses…
So how’s this movie gonna work?
Are we gonna see a bunch of “pre-genocide”shots of people being naughty, and god having “off screen, ‘yáll in big trouble now’, thought” shots? How will this movie rationalize god’s position, his view about humanity’s intrinsic, lack of worth, so unredeemable as to justify complete annihilation? (Of course, genocide is a morally indefensible position. Morals yeah, which clearly god doesn’t trouble himself with).
Do we then pan to Noah and his family and see what a bunch of good, righteous, salvation worthy folk that they are? What is it about this family, that sets them apart from every other family, every other person and allows their survival? I am going to need a pretty powerful back story to stop me from thinking that god is a capricious, vengeful, fucked up being with a whole lot of anger management problems. (Don’t even get me started about the whole “building man in his image” thing).
Do we have to watch Noah build the Ark (because by all records, it took a loooong time to build that 500 foot boat. Of course, Noah was 600 years old at the time, so we have to cut the guy some slack)
Years until the Flood Event Bible Reference 120 Countdown to the Flood begins Genesis 6:3 100 Noah has Japheth, the first of his sons, when he was 500 years old. Genesis 5:32; 10:21 98 Noah has Shem who was 100 two years after the Flood. Genesis 11:10 ? Perhaps 95 or 96 the same time between Japheth and Shem. Ham was the youngest one born to Noah and was aboard the Ark so he was born prior to the Flood. Genesis 9:24;Genesis 7:13 ? Perhaps 20-40 years for all of the sons to be raised and find a wife Each son was old enough to be married before construction on the Ark begins. Genesis 6:18 ~ 55-75 years (estimate) Noah was told to build the Ark, for he, his wife, his sons, and his sons’ wives would be aboard the Ark. Genesis 6:18 Ark Completed ? Gather food and put it aboard the Ark. Genesis 6:21 7 days Loading the Ark. Genesis 7:1-4 0 Noah was 600 when the floodwaters came on the earth. Genesis 7:6
We would end up with a tentative range of about 55 to 75 years for a reasonable maximum time to build the Ark. Of course, it could be less than this depending on the age that Noah’s sons took wives….
- How Long Did It Take For Noah To Build The Ark?
Is it just me, or does all that sounds really damn tedious?
I do hope we get to see just exactly how Noah gathers up and stuffs two of every single everything onto the boat. That could be interesting … I mean, talk about your multi tasking! Collect two of every everything from around the ENTIRE world and get them all on the boat in an orderly fashion. And well … not to mention, size issues ….
And then the rain starts. Rain can be interesting, if its like a “Perfect Storm” sort of ran. Who doesn’t like a natural disaster, am I right?
But this movie going to have to show the devastation of genocide, because make no mistake, Noah’s Ark is not a story of a “natural” disaster, but is in fact a story about willful slaughter.
God did it, he decided, his fault. God’s bad.
Mother’s screaming, babies dying, men impotently running around unable to do anything, animals panicking and … dying, dying, dying … I imagine you can get a bit of film mileage from this, but really … how long does it take to drown everyone?
Because after they are all dead – we have got 40 days and 40 nights worth of rain to watch Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah’s wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, living the salvation life, altogether, on the ark before we get to white doves, rainbows and a sorta clean (but not really) slate.
I’m pretty sure however this story plays out, it will be cleaned up, polished and … sanitized. I’m not feeling the interest BUT from an atheist perspective, maybe this movie is just the thing we need to definitively illustrate, once and for all, through story telling, why religion is stupid and why if there was a god, he would suck.