“Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business. ” 
― Dave Barry

Doesn’t that photo look fabulous!?  It looks SO fabulous that I have been indulging in this fantasy … I’m gonna buy me a camper van. Yep.

My camper van is gonna be cute, funky, colour coordinated and adorbably spacious (that might be a camping oxymoron).

In my fantasy, I am gonna take some months, a year even, and I am gonna drive around Australia (my adopted country).

In my fantasy this trip  is gonna be a great documentary photography project and I am gonna have heaps of time to write, read books, walk on beaches, take naps … breathe.

In my fantasy, doing all of this is gonna be ridiculously inexpensive, so I am actually gonna be saving money, rather than spending it.

So my fantasy progresses…

I’m Googling camper vans. I’m looking at the aesthetics of camper vans – and mine is definitely going to be retro bohemian … unless its going to be sleek, white and silver with accents of black.  Mine needs a fridge and a stove and ummm a toilet and a shower … and enough room that I would be content to stay in it if it rained non-stop for a week.

My needs are small …. ish.

My Googling progresses. I am now looking at how much money this camper van is going to set me back. I am watching youtube videos of people out there doing their road trips. A lot of these people look miserable, which got me thinking…

I Google… ” things to know+ caravaning for a year”  … the more I read, the more concerned I get …

I have to keep going back to look at images of those terribly cute little camper vans … I, in fact, pin a heap of them so that I don’t forget why I need to have a camper van. I refer back to these scrumptious little images every time I start thinking sensible girl thoughts like …. will the cats like this? Where will they be while I am doing the camping/driving thing? What if it rains … am I seriously gonna cook outside?! Where will my books go? Can I have an extra mattress? Will I have to shop every other day cuz those fridges look pretty small?

I Google some more … and I am saved by Emma Siossian’s article, Camping016: Top Ten Caravanning Tips.

I am so grateful, Emma will never know! I was completely brought back to my senses right from her first point: There is no such thing as sleeping in.

Fuck that.

I am a night hawk. I stay up late and I prefer to wake naturally … not necessarily late, but NATURALLY. I do not want to wake up listening to people … stranger people … wandering around, banging shit, playing with motors,

speaking to each other. I can think of almost nothing that would more surely guarantee that I will be in a foul mood for the rest of the day, than to be woken like that. Several days of it, would push me over the edge …other people’s noise … is right up there on my Best Reasons For Gun Control, list.

No privacy? People staring at me? People thinking they can just stroll over and chat to me?

Hell to the NO!

I would hate that. I am an introvert – the reason I even considered caravaning (see first photo) is because it struck me as a SOLITARY endeavour … a way of puttering around and seeing some world … alone … more or less. I was not thinking vile little trailer parks.  That right there … with all those campers nearly on top of each other … that would KILL me. If there is a hell … a trailer park would be it for me. Nasty proximity – to who knows what the hell sort of people … making who the hell knows what sorts of noises … at what the hell sort of time.

No .. just no.

Next point … toilets smell … bathrooms smell, listening to stranger people in bathrooms is well … yuck. Share a bathroom?!  With strangers!?!?   And struggle to wash and dry your clothes in public space? Laudromats? Laundromats in trailer parks?!?

So I am thankful to Google for bringing me Emma and thankful to Emma for bringing me to my senses. I know, without a doubt, this caravaning gig is not for me, no way, no how and that is before we even get to the MOST critical question of all …

Where’s my internet?